@blackwolf
I just got my band set up on a #selfhosted #Matrix / #Element. This is controversial for a number of reasons - but I'm comfortable doing the grunt work to make it happen in a way I can live with.

For my non-techie friends coming over, it's close enough and they picked it right up. Our needs are basic and are covered.

I realise this will not fit everyone's needs, and it's a sprawling project choked with #enshittification at the moment, but if you can sift down through it all, you might find something that works. (Not very encouraging - I know. I'm sorry - it's a little dire out there.)

Another alternative that I run is #xmpp. It's less like discord than most Matrix clients, but it's fast and light - time tested and has e2ee.

There is also #NextCloud Talk. I don't use it much, but it works as well as xmpp or matrix in my experience.